I still can’t feel a thing. I feel so alone, all the time. I just want to fall into someone’s arms and cry my eyes out. Just to collapse into someone I can trust, just to have someone to run to and just know they’ll always be there but I don’t know if we have that kind of relationship anymore. I don’t know, I honestly hope we do though. But even considering the thought that we’ve lost that connection tears me apart. I still love you to bits. I just don’t know how to show that anymore. I know you’ve moved on, physically and emotionally. I don’t know what to do with myself. Well I do, I guess I’ll just continue living the way that I am. Honestly I can’t complain though. I’d rather feel nothing than go through the emotional hell I just got myself out of.
This is probably on of my top 5 favorite spoken word pieces, not many people knew about it until a snippet of it was in Kendrick Lamars’ “Overly Dedicated” mixtape. In all it as an awesome piece with a powerful message.
So let me drink away this loneliness and smoke until I can’t remember where the fuck I am. Allow these boys to press my tired body into the fibres of their mattress as I feel myself drifting away into a zone I can call home. The only place I have to call home anymore. Not a heaven nor a hell but the state of pure numbness. No feeling, no emotion, no sensation. A place where I’m not really there. A period of time where I’m not really anywhere. My heart isn’t broken anymore, it’s not cold or aching or shattering. It’s simply disappeared. My soul is obliterated and now, now I’m just this body. This body with functioning organs and blood pumping through my veins. Sex, weed and alcohol is all I want to live for anymore. In fact let me re phrase that. Sex, weed and alcohol is the only reason I’m still breathing because fuck me if you call this living. This isn’t living, this is merely surviving.